Once a good friend asked me, “Have you ever gotten heart broken in love?”, and I was like, “Dude! 90% people has gone through a heartbreak. Who am I to take a different route?” But, what I kept from saying was, the real beauty is in picking all those broken pieces of you and as Carrie Fisher once told, “make it into art”. Because at the end of the tunnel, there always a light to wrap you up and soothe your broken heart and aching body.
It has been four years since I have been madly in love with another human being, who for some unknown reason always had a thing for other cool guys, but much to her dismay those cool guys never stayed for long (Thankfully she has been in a stable relationship for past two years now!). It was a petty case of futile love which was more like a one-sided one, but at times even a small cut can face the threat of sepsis and claim a life. So I found myself madly falling for the girl, where I was unable to move out of the phase, unable to go out with other girls with whom I might have had much more chance. But, a man in love is the dumbest creature this universe can ever witness. So I stood still and hoped that someday she might see the good in me and feel the same way like I do. Which was more like seeing a speeding monster truck approaching but still stand in the middle of the road asking God to stop the car. So I was rightfully run over, err, turned down and had my heart broken.
Soon I decided to move out of my city, as I was encountering her everywhere I was going, (Nothing unusual, Kolkata was a city with very limited places to go). My friend asked me, “What are your plans now?”; frankly, my head was clear at that point of time, I wanted to move down south to Bangalore, complete my Masters, pursue a PhD abroad, work as a musician until I get out of the country, and most importantly, stay away from love at all cost. But, as always, whenever I propose, my heart opposes.
When I got out of Kolkata and ended up in Bangalore, first few months went into setting the foot down looking for musicians to collaborate. I laid low, but once a douche always a douche. I realized I have said, no more love business but I haven’t said no to sex. And for me, always both were separate entities which can exist exclusive of each other. While love is more like a treat for your mind, sex is a treat for your physical needs. And while having both in one place is the best thing ever, that doesn’t mean you ignore your physical needs. So a stint of sexcapade started. Because come on! The medicine of a broken heart is sex with other women or at least that’s what we were told by our peers as a kid.
When you indulge in physical pleasure, resources are not scarce. There will always be people just like you, trying to get over a broken heart, or people who are in a long distance relationship and wants to have their physical needs satisfied (which is actually a bullshit, because you can break up and find someone within your own area diameter), people who don’t want to pursue a romantic relationship due to various reasons, or sexually active bunch. And trust me, once you meet the bunch all your prejudices will be gone, except for the one who cheats on their other halves in long distance relationships. But, I was young then, trying to get over a broken heart and I didn’t want to discriminate. Because come on again! I was getting sex, I am not being cheated on, so everything else is not my concern.
In my head, I was doing fine. Because while one woman never loved me back, I was sleeping around with plenty more, living the life of typical male fantasies. But, every race has a finish line, so had mine. While I was thinking I am doing great in terms of mending my broken heart (in the shittiest way possible), in reality, that was not helping my cause. Proof? I was soon diagnosed with depression and started taking the prescribed antidepressant. I tried to pursue a relationship around this time, a rather serious one, which I fucked up because I was still recuperating from the heartbreak and going through Major Depressive Disorder. And I was surprised because I was taught that the way out from a broken heart is leading a promiscuous lifestyle, or pursuing a relationship with some other girl. But the (in)famous medicines were not helping me in the cause.
But things finally made sense. I started traveling alone, I ditched the life I had planned while leaving my city, I ditched the career I thought I would select, And took a completely different path. I stopped taking my antidepressants, but picked up my guitar once again and started taking lessons, I pulled my PhD applications out, resigned from the MNC job as I was not happy with it. And all the while, I didn’t indulge in any sexcapades. The women I met around this time, became my good friends rather than another of my experiment.I realized life is not about being vindictive about something bad that happened to you and take out the frustration on other people. Because when I started reading the letters from those short affairs, when I got to know that the girl I was sleeping with is ditching her long term boyfriend for me, I finally saw the kind of monster I have become, the very kind I once despised to the core of my heart. And probably that was the point in time when I was standing right in front of my other side (I’m really running low on suitable curse word to use for that other half). I realized life is not about being vindictive about something bad that happened to you and take out the frustration on other people. I knew sorry wouldn’t help in mending the hearts that I have broken. But I knew I can make sure that I don’t break another heart to satisfy my dumbest male ego.
And finally I realized I moved on with my life, the broken heart is not haunting me anymore, though not the way I thought I would move on. But, nonetheless, I did. Though I wish I haven’t had done certain things, I wish I could unbreak those hearts, but this is again my curse to live rest of my life with the regret. But I realized one good thing in all these messes, which is,
“Love is not searching for another half human being who can complete you. But it is more about finding another complete human being who can complement you.”